Closing out 2017
Full disclosure: it's been a terrible mental health day and I also hate New Year's Eve.
Maybe it's this time of year, maybe it's too much family time, maybe it's the fact that I have been alone a ton but I just basically shut down today. Mental health is a fickle beast. The holidays always make it harder so I try my best just to power through. Everything had been okay until last night. That familiar insomnia mixed with nightmares and anxiety. By 7:00 AM, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I skipped both church services this morning. I didn't even get out of bed and shower until 3:00 PM and that was only because I absolutely needed groceries. Once I got to the grocery store, all of the sounds had me in such a panic I wanted to crawl out of my skin or burst into tears. I put on my headphones and played a sound bath playlist on Spotify. The music helped but I still felt like I was walking around like a zombie. I ran a few more errands and then came home. It was about 25 degrees out which generally I would hate but this time, I was just glad I could feel something. Dramatic, but that's depression. A numbness that comes and goes without warning.
Every year, I write some social post about how last year was the actual worst but the next year will be better. But with each year comes its own set of trials, heartbreaks, and lows. No year is perfect. No life is perfect. Nothing is perfect. That's a hard truth to swallow. Sure you can repeat it over and over to yourself but it never really sinks in, not for me at least. My therapist says that I am always waiting for the one thing that feels just out of reach to solve all of my problems. The perfect relationship, the perfect job, the perfect home, the perfect body. But those things don't always happen and even if they did, I will always have anxiety and depression. I will always have demons to fight. I will always have this nagging feeling that I am not good enough. I will always have a little bit of self-hatred in there somewhere. And that's okay. I know these dark clouds pass. The sun always comes back out. So my goal for 2018 is to really remember that. The lowest of lows will always be followed by the highest of highs. I've been through 30 years of bullshit that will equip me to handle almost anything. I can survive and I will survive, it just won't always be a walk in the park. If 2018 doesn't bring the perfect romance, massive amounts of money, and exciting opportunities, that's okay. I just have to do the best I can. If I keep my body healthy, my mind will be healthy. If I remember to take care of myself, I can take care of others. If I show love, I will receive love. If I am kind to myself, I can be kinder to others.
We've got this. I've got this.